It has recently come to my attention that we are not the only Jesters™ in town. The newest edition in a long line of destined-to-fail New Orleans semi-pro soccer teams has blatantly ripped off the well-established New Orleans Men’s Lacrosse team.
I’m not sure who these bastards think they are, but they damn sure ain’t the Jesters. We’ve had the copyright since 1976…right? I mean, surely one of our team’s many lawyers registered the Jesters name and Trademark with the Secretary of State…? No?! Damnit!
At least I can sleep well at night knowing it’s only a matter of time before these ball-kicking douches fold and we’re the only Jesters in town again.
Got the news yesterday from Jesuit coach Mike Brantley that former Jesuit Player/Indoor Lax Stud Louis Lacour III has been recognized for his mad skillz on and of the field.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, It’s my privilege to announce that graduating senior Louis LaCour III was chosen as an All-American Lacrosse player for his sportsmanship, lacrosse accomplishments, academics, aspirations and character. Louis is going to Cabrini College in Philadelphia where he was recruited to play lacrosse. He was also chosen on a select American Team to play in the world games in the UK this summer, playing in both London and Manchester. Congratulate Louis when you see him!”
Louis will join two other bros with close ties to NOLC at the 2010 World Games in Manchester this summer. NOLC founder Phil Niddrie will represent the United States in the super-duper Masters division. In addition, former LSU and NOLC player Billy Tauzin III will be coaching the French National Team in their first ever trip to the World Games.
Congrats to all these guys for their hard work and incredible lacrosse abilities. Best of luck in your upcoming endeavors. Now don’t screw up!
There is a lot of speculation floating around in the blogosphere as to who will take home the summer league trophy this year. It’s tough to predict a winner even when the teams have been picked, but trying to determine the future champions based on one member of each team is stupid, pointless, and a complete waste of time. Still, it needs to be done.
Here’s a complete breakdown of this year’s captains:
Paul Johnson - Oldest of the four captains; likes to fight; Canadian; will probably name his team the “Lacrosstitutes,” which is a clever mix of the words “Lacrosse” and “Prostitutes”; sort-of, kind-of, not-really won 2009 championship. Alias: Don Pablo.
Vann Hamilton Joines III – First-year captain; makes transition to short stick specifically to comply with “stupid summer league rules;” coaches Jesuit’s Varsity lax team; from out-of-town; works for non-profit. Alias: The Vannimal.
Zachary Gong – First-year captain; makes transition to short stick specifically to comply with “stupid summer league rules;” coaches Jesuit’s Varsity lax team; from out-of-town; works for non-profit. Alias: “Sensai” / The Ken Watanabe of Lacrosse
Phil Niddrie Jr. (not really Jr. but he’s the old man’s son) - Second year captain; 2009 regular season champ with 8-1 record; should have won 2009 championship but a lot of key people were missing for that game; favorite pastime: berating referees/teammates; Alias: The Chosen One.
So now that you have a completely unbiased bio of all the captains, tell us: Who do you think will win?
The 2010 Riverside Indoor Lacrosse League season is right around the corner, and the excitement amongst local players is palpable. Captains for this year have been hand selected by commissioner Phil Niddrie (Sr.), and they are, in order from oldest to youngest, closest to adult diapers to closest to baby diapers: Paul Johnson, Vann Hamilton Joines (III), Zachary Gong, and Phil Niddrie (Jr.).
On May 29 or 30, the four captains will watch your every move as you try desperately not to be the last player picked in the draft. Every time you screw up and drop the ball, your draft stock will drop as well. When you take that God-awful shot, you better pray to God that the captains didn’t see it. And the slower you run, the quicker your name will be at the bottom of the draft board.
Nobody wants to be picked last, but based on the fundamental laws of the universe, it will happen to some poor, unfortunate soul. Here’s how to avoid having that person be you:
Don’t show up to the tryouts wasted. That 12 pack you just chugged may lead you to believe you’re playing well. You’re not.
Study the NOLC playbook. Draftees will undergo a rigorous intelligence test that will measure their knowledge of the New Orleans Lacrosse Club’s offensive and defensive formations, schemes and slides. I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy of this imaginary playbook and memorize every page of it. You will then be asked a series of rapid-fire questions, such as “Who shot JR?” “Where’s the beef?” and “Why the hell did you answer that?” to test your ability to think on your feet.
Get Jacked. No captain wants a skinny little bitch on his team, so it’s time to develop your muscular system. I recommend Getting Jacked With P. Niddy.
Follow these simple instructions, and you surely won’t be picked last. Or will you?