The 2010 Riverside Indoor Lacrosse League season is right around the corner, and the excitement amongst local players is palpable. Captains for this year have been hand selected by commissioner Phil Niddrie (Sr.), and they are, in order from oldest to youngest, closest to adult diapers to closest to baby diapers: Paul Johnson, Vann Hamilton Joines (III), Zachary Gong, and Phil Niddrie (Jr.).
On May 29 or 30, the four captains will watch your every move as you try desperately not to be the last player picked in the draft. Every time you screw up and drop the ball, your draft stock will drop as well. When you take that God-awful shot, you better pray to God that the captains didn’t see it. And the slower you run, the quicker your name will be at the bottom of the draft board.
Nobody wants to be picked last, but based on the fundamental laws of the universe, it will happen to some poor, unfortunate soul. Here’s how to avoid having that person be you:
- Don’t show up to the tryouts wasted. That 12 pack you just chugged may lead you to believe you’re playing well. You’re not.
- Study the NOLC playbook. Draftees will undergo a rigorous intelligence test that will measure their knowledge of the New Orleans Lacrosse Club’s offensive and defensive formations, schemes and slides. I highly recommend you get your hands on a copy of this imaginary playbook and memorize every page of it. You will then be asked a series of rapid-fire questions, such as “Who shot JR?” “Where’s the beef?” and “Why the hell did you answer that?” to test your ability to think on your feet.
- Get Jacked. No captain wants a skinny little bitch on his team, so it’s time to develop your muscular system. I recommend Getting Jacked With P. Niddy.
Follow these simple instructions, and you surely won’t be picked last. Or will you?